Gaming is and has always been a major part of my life. It's been a crutch for me, as well as one of my main hobbies. It's been how I've met some of my dearest friends from all over different parts of the world. I love playing video games, but it does come with some negative effects as well.
I started to really get into video games when I was around 7 years old. I remember getting a Nintendo 64 for Christmas one year, and after that, I never looked back. I remember hooking it up right away and playing Banjo Kazooie on my grandparent's massive TV. The brightness was so low that I could barely see what I was doing, but it didn't matter to me. When my father got me my first gaming system, I don't think that he really realized the impact that it would have on me from that day forward.
As time went on, I managed to get a decent library of games for my Nintendo 64. I spent many weekends and days after school playing Yoshi's Story, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Pokemon Snap and many other Nintendo 64 classics. It was a world so unlike my own. Growing up, I lived in a town with a population of about 3,000 people. There wasn't much to do as a kid, and unlike most of my family, I didn't enjoy outdoor activities. My father is the typical outdoorsman: he loves to fish, hunt, snowmobile and go for drives. While it wasn't apparent when I was younger, our differing interests really furthered the gap in our relationship as I grew older. I felt frustrated that he didn't seem to understand that I'd rather stay inside and do things like play video games or read a book.
He worked incredibly hard to raise me (primarily) as a single parent. I didn't have a sibling to share my love of games with, and he didn't have anybody besides myself to share his interests with either. Because we would so often spend our time doing different things, I became somewhat of a recluse at a young age. I only had one friend in elementary school who I could share my love of games with and I had an older cousin who I would visit on occasion who played the "big kid games". I watched in awe as he played games like Legend of the Dragoon and Final Fantasy. He was also the one who showed me the exciting world of handheld gaming.
As time went on, I continued to play video games extensively. I would always want the newest system, and I eventually got quite the collection. I also moved into the handheld gaming world and had my own Gameboy Color and Gameboy Advance. When I was about 10 years old, I remember my grandmother asking me if I would wish to be buried with my Gameboy in hand, since she would rarely see me without it. Looking back on it, I'm glad that she tried to have a good sense of humor about it. I do remember bringing it everywhere, whether it was on a camping trip or a long drive. It was always there, in case I needed an escape. I did try to balance spending time with my family and playing games if we were on a family outing, but I found it difficult.
When I was 12, I was going to start middle school. It was at this point that myself and my friend from elementary school lost touch. I was, like most young people, going through a lot of changes as I was nearing my teenage years. Although we shared a love of video games, there were a lot of other hobbies that we didn't share, and it became hard to maintain the friendship. It was a very lonely time in my life, and while I did manage to make some new friends, they didn't share my interest of gaming. This made me feel like everybody who was currently in my life didn't understand me. It was hard to find things to talk about with my family and friends that wasn't video game related. I felt as if nobody wanted to hear (not genuinely at least), and that my interests were seen as "silly" in comparison to what other people my age were interested in. I did do a lot more socializing when I reached this point, but I never stopped playing games. My mother had also sent me an Xbox around this time, and so I did have that to use as a sort of crutch when I felt as if I needed to be alone for awhile.
At 13, I moved halfway across the province to be with my mother. This was almost a complete cultural shock to me, as I had grown up accustomed to rural country living. The adjustment was difficult, but things felt as if they were turning around. My mother and I have always had a great relationship, and I feel as if she "gets me" more than other members of my family. She never had much of a problem with me playing video games. She always encouraged me to get out more, but would never scold or lecture me. With the new found freedom of a new place to live, new friends, a new school and an entirely new fresh start, things were really looking up for me.
In between the ages of 13 and 15 I didn't play many games. I spent this time rebuilding a life in a new place, but it was a wonderful thing. I managed to adjust fairly well to living in a place that was much bigger than what I was used to. I had more friends than that I had ever had before in my life, and even if there were some of them who didn't play games, they all had some sort of hobby that was unique, and they all had something fun to talk about. This was one of the only periods that I didn't feel as if I needed games in my life.
When I was 16, I had finally made it to high school. I started working, I started driving, and I had become somewhat independent. I had a few very close friends at this point, and I felt that it was enough for me. One of my close friends (who to this day is a wonderful friend to me) really helped me feel as if I wasn't alone. Not only did she love games, but she loved the same games as me. We played games together, we had sleepovers, we shared all of the things we loved about the gaming world and community and had no shame about it whatsoever. I also spent a lot of time on the computer as I grew into a teenager, so I networked with different people who had similar interests to me. By this time, the Xbox 360 was also out and so the world of online gaming was opened up. This, to me, was an extraordinary thing for all the introverts of the world, such as myself. Because I had a job, I could also spend my own money on games and invest more time into it.
During my year in college, I felt as if video games helped me more than anything. I was 18 when I started college, but most of my friends were still in high school. I had to drive two hours a day (one way there, one way back) to attend school, and most of my classmates were much older than I was. I would spend the weekends working 9 hours a day so I could afford the commute. My schooling wasn't difficult by any means, but I would have to say that it was still one of the most stressful periods in my life. I felt as if I had no time for anything, and so a lot of my friendships withered. I did what I could to maintain my friendships and spend time with my friends, but it was a juggling act that ultimately left me feeling exhausted. I spiraled farther and farther into my introverted ways. I spent nearly all the free time that I had talking to my friends on the computer or playing video games. I rarely left my room, and I barely went outside either. It was easier for me to lock myself in my room and play video games than it was to go out. I guess, in a way, I was hiding from the pressures of all the changes I was going through.
After I graduated from college in the fall of 2010, I discovered the Youtube community. I had already met a lot of friends online, but this was even better, as I discovered that people played video games and posted videos of them! It was a shocking revelation to me, and it opened up an entirely new world. I started doing "Let's Play" under the pen name "ch0colatemilk", which I still do to this very day. I've met so many amazing people (friends and fans alike), I've learned so many amazing things, and I've discovered now that it's perfectly okay to play video games. There are millions of people around the world who share the same hobby that I do, and it is a comforting fact. I always knew that I shouldn't feel wrong for liking something that not everybody in my life could agree with, but it took me a long time to really come to terms that it was a part of who I am.
Now that I'm an adult, I'm more into video games than ever. I have a job which can support my hobby, I have fans and friends who support the work that I do on Youtube, I have close personal friends who I can go out with and speak about it freely, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who is supportive and who loves me for who I am. At this point, gaming is much more of a life style than it is a hobby.
Because I'm not forced to go to school every day, it is hard to maintain friendship with people that I don't know online, so I still struggle with my social skills. I am a true introvert at heart, and I don't know if I can ever really get out of that. Talking to my family about video games is still extremely uncomfortable, as it's something that we will never seen eye-to-eye on. Trying to spark up a conversation at work with my co-workers about anything technology or video game related is also difficult. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay to not have a lot of "in real life" friends, and that staying indoors and being a homebody is just what some people prefer. I still feel as if I don't fit in with society's norm and that I'm not the person that my parents wanted me to be, but as long as I'm happy, I think that's all that really counts.
